Colourless Lapdog

I had a good childhood, until the age of  nine,
Then my father decided that he wouldn't be mine
And I ran from the problems  into my mother's warm lap.

My time in middle school was mostly spent,
By making jokes and having a scent,
And I hid my problems from my mother's warm lap.

One day my granny decided,
To hug her neck with a rope provided,
That the rope is bound to a tree,
So she could be gliding freely.
I've heard the news, I saw her hanging,
Afterwards the pictures in my head were quite damaging.
My mother's lap turned cold.

One day I came from school, tired and broken,
Not a word from my mom has been spoken,
She wasn't home, or maybe was she there,
From the garage door came a strange glare,
I ran towards it, she was noiselessly crying,
With a rope around her neck and close to dying,
I saw her, she saw me, she cried, I hid.
My mother's cold lap was  unapproachable.



I walked to school like every  other day,
But now I'll describe why I did pray.
I wasn't really fit, nor very good looking,
Because my mother got worse at everything, except cooking.
I couldn't talk to anyone, and didn't want to go out,
And very soon I was left out,
Every day people pointed at me and laughed hard,
I could never let down my prim guard.
I rarely went to school and studied nearly never,
And by that I ruined my future forever.
It seemed that everyone's purpose was to hurt me,
Until I decided that I wanted to glide freely...
I came home and prepared the rope,
Put my head trough it without any hope,
But my mother opened the door, she screamed and cried,
And couldn't imagine what she would do if I died.
My mother's lap was too small for me.

I've grown to a man, without hope or motivation,
Figured that I've come to the end of the station,
But then I found out about being in love,
I thought it's a gift from the bearded guy above,
Found a girl, got her attention,
But my personality served as my contraception.
I tried hard, for months to come,
And from day to day my heart would crumb.
But at the end of the tunnel, was a warm light,
Waiting in my PC, and shining bright.
It was a girl, no less, from far away,
Helping me from day to day.

Years went by,
As her and I,
Wanted to die,
But could only cry.

She promised me her lap was warm,
I believed she meant only harm.
But after promising it for years to come,
I started believing it, man was I dumb.
When I finally met her, I've touched a piece of Heaven,
It was the best day I had since I learned to cry on command when I was eleven.

Now years went by,
As her and I,
Didn't want to die,
We wanted only to lie,
Next to each other,
In the shallow water,
Not wanting anything other.

Her lap was warm and comfy.

To my bad luck, thought I had no other,
Something else has wanted her, and even got her,
Not only her heart, not only her soul,
Even her holes, and her role.
She told me she could never love me again,
Because apart from me, there were wiser (wo)men,
I remembered our future that she told me about,
And trust me, for it, I've hardly fought.
I wasn't enough, I was too weak,
She couldn't love this damaged freak.
I said, „me or them“ and that was the end,
I didn't only lose my love, but also a friend.
I was ready to jump into the river Styx,
But I couldn't do to my Ma' what my granny did trying to fix.
I knew this would happen, and I told her day in day out,
That's what I never wanted this relationship to be about.
Her lap was cold and unapproachable.

Now years go by,
And here am I,
Wanting to die,
Wanting to cry,
With no more lies I could buy,
With no more way to get high,
With no more  way to fly,
With no more way to touch the sky.
Now I'm just „that guy“,
Who seems too wry,
Never closing an eye,
Living in a  sty,
With no Wi-Fi,
But I would always imply,
That I would reply,
That I could retry,
That I was nearby,
That I can rely.
But without her everything is too dry,
So all I want to say is; goodbye.
Because everything was a lie

I've lost my family, friends, future and love,
Just tell me, can I even live anyhow?
A man with nothing to lose, the most fearsome thing  alive,
With no hope or love, I can only survive.

Perhaps that's how it's learned, never to trust,
Which I didn't in the beginning, but she has cut off that crust.
Perhaps  I wouldn't be that sad, if she didn't break her promise,
Why did she do it? She was my Goddess.
Perhaps I wouldn't be so mad, if I listened to my intuition,
But what would you have done in my position?

I want her back, as much as I don't,
I've became very young after being too old.

There is one thing I know for sure, which is;
I'll never be able to be in the warm lap of a wonderful Miss.
I have turned to ice, and I'd melt away,
Flowing trough her lap, never seeing the light of day.


Perhaps I am destined to live alone,
But I have potential and responsibility, which shouldn't be thrown.


I'm writing this to you, as a suicidal non-believer,
I know I can't be helped, but please go and relieve her.